top of page

Gannonfest 2019: Bonnies to Defend Olean's Honor Against Blue Blood Gannon

After a long, good journey, we have finally reached the 5th day of Gannonfest 2019. Throughout Gannonfest, I have shown you almost every angle of this battle for the ages. We looked at our enemy's home city, their refusal to play us in football (and report Jon Rothstein to the authorities), our entitled boomer fans' reaction to scheduling them and an investigation into our enemy's dark web message board. Many people are also saying that the Gannonfest 2019 t-shirt is selling out fast, so buy it here folks.

The one thing we haven't talked about yet is the actual game. The last time Bona's and Gannon played each other was in February 1977, when regular Yoda was literally a baby Yoda since Star Wars hadn't even been released. The Bonnies demolished the Knights 91-65 in the RC in a huge NIT resume-building win that led us to our NIT world championship.

We're like 3 days away from someone finding Baby Yoda had racist Tweets from 2011.

The Bonnies are 22-5 all-time against Gannon and fortunately, I can't find almost any of the scores from those games, so we can just pretend those 5 never happened. We'll just assume they were in the peach basket era.

The one other score I could find was when the Bonnies beat Gannon 42-29 in December 1947. It was tied for the lowest point total in Gannon's history. They also only put up 29 against Canisius and Niagara in the season before. Those performances against the Little Three means Gannon is the Chode One.

The official sponsor of Gannon athletics.

The only other record of a Bona's-Gannon game is when John Daly's uncle Larry Daly scored 31 points against us on December 6, 1967. I can't find a final score for this one, so I'll just assume Larry Daly scored 31 in the first half, drunkenly crashed a golf cart into the bleachers at the half and the Bonnies went on to win 69-31.

Between Gannonfest and the lack of adequate archiving of 50's and 60's Division II basketball scores, Saturday's game is really the renewal of this rivalry. We need to get revenge on the Golden Knights, who illegally recruited Jean Yves Toupane and the 4 career points he scored at Bona's in 2014. He went on to be a three-point specialist for Gannon, while we settled for some guy named Jaylen Adams.

Gannon also brought in Michael Tertsea this season. He played once (like literally one game or something idk) at URI under Dan Hurley, a man so whiny, he's like if BBQ Becky became a college basketball coach.

"Officer, I'd like to report some young, urban males who DID NOT slap the floor! I feel threatened!" 😢

Even though Gannon brought in a Trojan Ram to screw us, it's part of Schmidt and his staff's Lifestyles to teach his players to have thick Skyn on the court. Durex.

Our good friend SBUnfurled has once called the Bonnies the Shoon Squad. If that's the case, then Gannon is the Nerdlucks, folks. Don't expect them to turn into the Monstars, because if you've ever watched Charles Barkley's March Madness analysis, he's still 3 months away from paying attention to college basketball.

I might like Gannon more if Danny DeVito coached them...

Seven Steps to Victory

  1. Holy Cross lost to UMass-Boston this week, so God won't let another Catholic school lose to a non-Division 1 team.

  2. Two words: Lacewell double-double.

  3. Go to the damn RC! Yeah, we've had 7 home games, but 2 were in Florida and 1 was in Canada...

  4. Replace the candles on the Gannon team Advent wreath with some lavender and chamomile scents so they're tired before the game.

  5. Bubba Gary leads a halftime performance with the SBU dance team as his backup dancers.

  6. This game doesn't count for our NET and other metrics, so don't worry about the nerd KenPom and his little Excel spreadsheet.

  7. Ignore everything I've said this week, because if we actually were lose to Gannon after all of this, I'm going into witness protection.

I've got my escape all planned out. I'd move to New Hampshire and become UNH Wildcats Commenter.

Bona Bandwagon Commenter's Score on #a102k20: Bonnies 94, Gannon 59

Unrealistic 2k Stat of the Game: Lofton only playing 26 minutes (you know Schmidt is giving him 38...)

Bandwagon Quote of the Day from the LesterGreen Debates: The Bandwagon's voter suppression and attacks on the First Amendment are working unfortunately, so I'll dedicate this spot to the five different threads called "WADE IN THE WATER," along with my "WATER IN THE WADE" thread that was deleted (again, they're attacking our freedom of speech).

Gannon Message Board Quote of the Day: I can't access it anymore, so everything in this article.

Start playing this royalty-free music at 3:40 while you read the heart-stopping conclusion of Gannonfest 2019.

Have you ever heard of flashbulb memories? It's basically remembering where you were and what was happening during a historic moment. They're things like 9/11, JFK's assassination, the Moon landing, Kony 2012, the fall of the Berlin Wall. Saturday's game will be this type of life-defining memory for so many children on the streets of Olean. They've heard through their parents, their older siblings and all over TV about how passionate the Bona's and Gannon rivalry is.

Bona Nation, this is the time for us to rise up and defend the home court. We may be seen as underdogs against this 2-4 team in PSAC (a conference that literally means "balls"), but we won't quit. Like a President who won't resign because he'll go to prison the second he does, we won't quit! Like a Hollywood director that hasn't figured out we've done all we could with Ghostbusters 35 years ago, WE WON'T QUIT! LIKE A MALL IN A RURAL COUNTY IN BETWEEN BUFFALO AND PITTSBURGH THAT REFUSES TO CLOSE, DESPITE OVERWHELMING MARKET TRENDS POINTING TOWARDS ONLINE SHOPPING AND DOWNTOWN-STYLE STOREFRONTS, WE. WON'T. QUIT!

Win this one for the Olean Mall! Win this one for America! Let's go Bona's! #BeatGannon #Gannonfest2019



bottom of page