Gannonfest 2019: Infiltrating Gannon's Secret Message Board
After a tour of dreary Erie, the corruption on Gannon's campus and the wisdom of the Bona Bandwagon, we have arrived at day 4 of Gannonfest 2019. This week has flown by folks and I don't know about you, but I want to cherish this week forever. That's why you can get this t-shirt to remember the week the Bonnies played D-II Gannon.
Like I mentioned, we talked about the Bona Bandwagon: a place where comparing the 100 years celebration to the Holocaust is ok, but telling a SUNY-Buffalo fan to kick rocks will get you banned. #FREELESTERGREEN
It turns out, Gannon is one of the rare D2 teams that has its own message board. Unfortunately, because Gannon is possibly an international crime syndicate run by Jon Rothstein, this board is hidden on the dark web, so I can't post a link.
The forum is called the Ganwagon and can only be accessed by asking for it on an ISIS group chat on WhatsApp. I infiltrated the board by posing as a user named dirstfev, in honor of my love for Fred and Robert Durst. I introduced myself by comparing a former president of Gannon to Cambodian dictator Pol Pot and instantly, I was welcomed into the community. It turns out, they also speak the language of the Bandwagon.
The Ganwagon fans were also upset about scheduling Bona's. They viewed it as a step down and possibly damaging to their reputation.
"WEST CHESTER is playing HOLY FAMILY at " home " and we can't even get the BONNIES to play us in ERIE? What an absolute joke !!" - GU1972
Another user said it was unfair to season ticket holders.
"It makes me sad that our Golden Knights are selling there bodies to the highest Atlantic 10 bitters. We are losing a game at The Hammer to go play against Adidas U.? Sad!!!!!" - KnightTrain63
Gannon is no stranger to conspiracy theories, however.
"I can't believe those rocket surgeons that lead our school in Fort Edinboro sold our school out to play for the d*rn Welder's! We should play Ashland & Ferris St. twice instead." - EthelAndMurray2451864583
It doesn't just end at one game scheduled that they'll lose. I began to look through other threads from before I joined. Gannon fans take their conspiracy theories to a new level.
"Remember that our former president tried to build a mosque next to the Morosky Center. THEY want to bring Shareia law to Gannon!"- GannonGold3
A whole new level...
"Why are the hamburgers so much smaller than the buns at Hammermill? Snowfalke AOC and her little green new. Deal would eliminate burgers. Radical dems have tooken over our beloved Gannon College." - MAGAKnight1954
I seriously can't believe these are real...
"Why did we even hire a Scientologoist as our business school dean? I haven't seen any thing this ridiculous since a guy named Bertram who lived on our floor in Finegan Hall in '74 brought dope leafs into our dorm." - ChesterBlue
I decided that it was time to push them to the limit and get myself banned. I went after them in the Alderson Broaddus (it's a team, not a player) game thread on November 29th.
dirstfev (me): "I think the Knights need to worry about improving their BOFA in the second half."
GannonGold3: "I agree."
MAGAKnight1954: "What's our BOFA?"
dirstfev (me): "BOFA deez nuts, don't mess with Bona's, you Gannon boomers!!!!!😜🚄🛅🥴🇰🇬"
MAGAKnight1954: "Nuts? I love cashew's!"
GU1972: "I think he means Boxing Out First Attempts, GG3. DIRSTFEV is right, GANNON needs to do better down low. CISERO and TERTSEA have to grabb the ball with both hands!"
dirstfev (me): "No, idiots... It's an old-ass internet joke. BOFA means both of. Both of these nuts."
ChesterBlue: "So you mean both ofensive and defensive rebounds?"
GU1972: "Yes BOFA matters on both ends of the floor. According to KENPOM, the GOLDEN KNIGHTS are 28th in BOFA while ALDERSON BROADDUS is 103rd."
EthelAndMurray2451864583: "Where can we watch the game? Our tV is broadcasting something called Euphoria and we dont know how to change the Chanel. These youngsters all look nice and very energetic!"
dirstfev (me): "You can't watch D2 basketball on TV, you tools..."
KnightTrain63: "how do i post a image?"
ChesterBlue: "I think we also need Ogbuagu to help out down low."
GU1972: "I think DODDS brought his lunch pail today !!"
EthelAndMurray2451864583: "Ethel is mad at me because now the two young lady's are kissing"
dirstfev (me): "Ok, screw this. Wegman's is better than Giant Eagle."
GannonGold3: "What the hell is wrong with you? Not cool."
ChesterBlue: "yeah bud am not sure u shuld be hear any more go gangon"
KnightTrain63: "I agree, dirstfev is ruining the Ganwagon."
GU1972: "We need this troll DIRSTFEV out of here."
BigGannonEnergy (admin): "I got this guys, he's banned."
That's was the last I saw of the Ganwagon. I think the lesson here is no matter your political affiliation, generation or comprehension of basketball analytics, the universal crime is saying something bad about someone's regional grocery chain, even when yours is obviously better. They're just lucky they aren't in Philly or I would have caused some aneurysms with my takes on Wawa.
So here we are, about 48 hours until the most monumental game in college basketball history. Our final installment of Gannonfest 2019 will preview the actual game. There will be a game on December 14th. It will involve a basketball. I'll write more about those facts, I guess.
Also, Taco Bell is better than Mighty Taco.