Healthier Bonnies Take Talents to South Florida for Boca Raton Boomer Classic

Well folks, we're going on a holiday trip. A 1,350 mile trip. The destination on Waze isn't just Boca, but to the lovely city of "Back." On Tuesday night, the Bonnies packed up the car and are bringing a nearly healthy Osun and English with them. While the offense soon reverted back to being as slow as a DMV line, those first 10 minutes with the return of Osun and English were a magical high.

Schmidt driving the bus to sunny Florida.

It's a true showing of the Late November Avian Culinary holiday spirit (Trump says people aren't letting us say Th*nksgiv*ng anymore, so it must be true) that Schmidt gave the entire Atlantic 10 three weeks of a head start. It allows some A10 guys who will be nice role players in smaller European leagues like Obi Toppin to get some exposure.

We are basically eccentric billionaires who are treating the rest of the A10 like people we've captured to hunt on our private island for sport, just like Jeff Bezos [citation needed]. We've given the entire A10 a 3 week head start, while we casually pull out our weapons like Osun and a functioning offense whenever we feel like it.

An artist's rendering of Bona's (left) and La Salle (right) in the A10 standings as of November 29, 2019.

We now shift our attention to the premier Feast Week tournament: The Boca Raton Boomer Classic. This tournament has everything for the 55+ crowd: lower scoring offenses, a bar in Boca literally named Boomer's, and uneducated discussions about Brexit. Sure, this tournament was supposed to be played at Rory McIlroy's house in Northern Ireland, but it moved because Brexit happened or didn't happen or who knows? I was planning on going over there, but it's probably best we all didn't. Bonnies fans would have ended up in the wrong Ireland after "sampling" local beverages and somehow sparked another war there.

Unless the Boca Raton Boomer Classic gets taken over by Joe Castiglione at the 11th hour and we get sent down to the Boca NIT bracket with Canisius, our first opponent will be San Diego. Not Kawhi's San Diego, the other ones. Unfortunately, we'll be at a disadvantage since San Diego is also on a beach, while the only beach we have is in front of Dev.

The green sands of Dev's beach will soon turn white.

San Diego has only won one game in the NCAA Tournament ever. They beat UConn in 2008 in Tampa, but it wasn't even the best game of the day there. They actually made the NIT last season, but lost basically everyone but Ron Burgundy's stepson. This season has been much tougher for the Toreros, with a win over Fresno State in the friendly confines of Jenny Craig Pavilion (yes, it's called that), along with knocking off Weber State about 49 years after Damian Lillard left there.

The Monday game (Sunday-Monday tournaments should be an NCAA violation) will be against Florida Atlantic or Illinois-Chicago. Assuming we give the Toreros the horns and win, we'll be playing FAU. UIC lost by 30 points to Canisius. I wouldn't even be able to show my face if we lost to a team as bad as Canisius. UIC is for anyone who wants to root for DePaul, but is too afraid of being seen as jumping on the Oliver Purnell bandwagon.

The most iconic NCAA men's basketball coach of the 21st century (source - Cameron Newton, Mid-Major Madness)

You may think it would be tough to play a road game in the Owls nest, but it'll likely be another instance of more Bona fans than home team fans in an arena. I call that a Rose Hill Special folks. There are probably more Bona transplants in Palm Beach County than anyone who has ever seen an FAU sporting event, especially basketball.

Florida Atlantic started playing basketball in 1988. The Bonnies have turned 100, while the Owls are entitled 31-year-old millennials. FAU will be too busy Tik Tok-ing themselves on the bench, while the only Tik Tok we'll be worried about is clock management around the media timeouts folks.

Unlike Mercer, FAU couldn't even beat the "Dunk City" abandoned amusement park that is FGCU, I guess proving that the beaches are better on Florida's left coast? FAU is 3-3, with their only win against a D-1 team coming last night against 0-6 Holy Cross. Does that even count as D-I?

Seven Steps to Victory

  1. Take all 5 Toreros boomer fans out to a large meal for an early bird special, so they sleep through the Sunday night at 9 tipoff.

  2. Frustrate San Diego on offense by having all our players do Ron Burgundy impressions. If there's anything that must annoy San Diegonians, it's a bunch of people saying "stay clas