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Bonnies Prepare for Pitiful, Purple Paulus

It can officially be confirmed: after winning #Gannonfest2019, the Bonnies are BACK. No one expected us to even beat the Golden Knights, but a 25-point victory against that powerful opponent boosted our NET ranking all the way up to... *checks notes* 189?!?! Stupid KenPom and his protractors...

After taking down some Golden Knights, Bonaventure looks to move to 6-0 on the season in the GPWOAE rankings (games played with Osun and English) against some Purple Eagles. Once again, Niagara will play its Super Bowl against us. That school's mentality puts the little in Little 3, folks (ignore the fact that I used this line before Canisius and we lost). Niagara is what you get when you combine the underwhelming architecture of Canisius, but put it nowhere near downtown Buffalo and on the terrible side of Niagara Falls.

At least it has waterfront property, except for a busy highway and an enormous slope.

Niagara's best player is Greg Paulus, although it looks like the roster says he's actually the coach? I thought he might have have transferred after playing at Duke and football for Syracuse to get his doctorate in Niagara's number 1 program: adult coloring books. Either way, I still expect Paulus to probably get us into early foul trouble by taking a couple flops when someone like Welch or Vasquez is running up the sideline on a fastbreak.

Paulus actually had one of the worst flops in college basketball history. It was 2007 and Paulus's Duke Blue Devils were playing a lovable underdog team called the Virginia Commonwealth University Rams. Duke would end up losing this game 79-77 in some place called HSBC Arena. Their opponents would no longer be America's darling, as they would soon change their name to VCU and be one of the most hated sports teams in the world.

Greg Paulus somehow made you like VCU...

2007 was also the last time Niagara made the NCAA Tournament. They nearly became the first 16 seed to beat a 1 seed, with a narrow 107-67 loss to Kansas. Other than that, the Choked Chickens have only made two other tournaments: 2005, when college basketball records don't count because it was the Solomon era, and 1970, when Niagara wasn't even the best team in the 716 area code.

Niagara was supposed to be the bee's knees with Pat Beilein taking over as head coach, but he resigned a few weeks before the season started. Some speculated it was over health issues. Others, including our good friend Lester #FREELESTERGREEN, said he was having an affair with someone at Niagara. I personally think he just saw that he took a step down from Le Moyne, had an existential crisis, and is currently in Arizona on a journey of self-discovery through ayahuasca. By the way, I recommend reading the Bandwagon thread on Beilein's resignation because it was a doozy.

This wasn't even a top 10 post in that thread...

Niagara, on and off the court, is a failure even by Western New York standards. I mean, the place is literally only famous for falls. NU's motto is "That All You May Know" and it's really hard not to know someone went to The Lewiston School For College Students Who Can't Read Good And Wanna Learn To Do Other Stuff Good Too when you see them. For any fans of other A10 schools reading this, the signs are usually someone whose greasy hair started thinning at age 21, they smell like expired Lunchables pizza sauce, and they keep Jeff Dunham's career alive.

It's called "Seriously" because even he can't believe people still watch this. At least Niagara will be 12 games behind Iona in the MAAC on February 20th when he's in Buffalo.

A Niagara fan reading this, or more likely listening to an audiobook version of this because words and them don't mix, would say, "Hey Bona Bandwagon Commenter, we beat you guys the last two years. SILENCE, I KEEL YOU!!! LOLZ!!!" Let's not forget that Jaylen Adams was injured against them in 2017 and we would have been a 7 seed in the NCAA tournament instead of in the First Four if we had beaten the Purple Nurples. Last year, we didn't have Courtney Stockard or LaDarien Griffin. So unless Paulus steals Osun's knee brace or Lofton visits the Springville Mystery Spot, we should be fine.

Mr. Burns would probably tell all of our players to lose their sideburns though...

Seven Steps to Victory

  1. Lofton had SIX whole minutes of rest against Gannon, so he'll be giving us 40, plus participating in all of those games in the RC during TV timeouts.

  2. Don't stress about the Little 3 title because according to the Bandwagon, we still have to play another game against both Canisius and Niagara.

  3. If Paulus the coach is anything like Paulus the QB, expect his team to turn the ball over a lot, folks...

  4. Since the students are on break, most of the Bona fans will look like Jeff Dunham's old man puppet, so that should distract NU's players.

  5. If alleged criminal mastermind Jon Rothstein texts Schmidt "good luck today," throw his phone in the Allegheny River.

  6. Tell Niagara the House of Representatives voted to impeach their school's president too.

  7. Use what we learned from #Gannonfest2019 by not playing like them at all.

Bona Bandwagon Commenter's Score on #a102k20: Bona's 103, Niagara 88 (really starting to think 40 minute games in 2k are impossible to keep at our usual scores...)

Unrealistic 2k Stat of the Game: Niagara was up 15 in the first quarter before I actually started paying attention.

"Beilein to Resign from Niagara" Thread Quote of the Day: "Lol my lord—I’m here to post about the Bonnies and college basketball in general. Didn’t know I’d run into the modern incarnation of Cotton Mather among posts about the brown and white. More bona content, less puritanical sermons!"

Niagara Message Board Quote of the Day: "Bonnies will have as many fans for one road game as we will have for one road season." (in a 2018 A10 tournament thread, which I believe is what the kids call a "cuck move" to talk about our tournament)

Time to twist the Purple Nurples in our final home game of the decade!


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