Updated: Dec 9, 2019
Truly, this is literally the darkest time in Bona's basketball history. A team full of promise starts 1-4, including losses to two rivals. The best player has only played 11 minutes. Perhaps most egregiously, the Bona Bandwagon — normally a boomer haven to discuss witches, Nazism and the third best PF on the 1973 team — has now been thrust into turmoil due to shadow bans, voter suppression and ignoring the popular vote.
I won't dwell on it too long, because only like 7 people who went to Bona's after the Iran-Contra Affair actually read the Bandwagon. For those unaware, a man named LesterGreen was viciously banned after the Canisius loss for standing his ground in self-defense against an assailant from SUNY-Buffalo. Despite protests in the streets of Olean and 65% of voters supporting his reinstatement, he is still in exile. And they say it can't happen here folks...
Lester was criticized by a few for "gibberish" posts, which were really 4-dimensional chess compared to the Chutes and Ladders most play on the Bandwagon. He also dumbed down his posts for the masses by using punctuation and words found in English dictionaries, but that was apparently not good enough. Sure, banning one poster on a college basketball message board may seem like a minor issue, but the #FREELESTERGREEN movement has illustrated the rift in America between entitled boomers and millennials who are "killing" things like Hooters, reverse mortgages and message boards first made on a Windows 98 computer.
On to basketball now, which is honestly somehow even worse than this constitutional crisis. Everything was going all fine and dandy in the first half Saturday, but then all of a sudden, Schmidt must have lost his PS4 online connection and we literally did nothing for the last 7 minutes before halftime. From there, Canisius was their typical terrible selves, but our willingness to not rebound or move on offense was the key for us to complete the perfect imitation of Canisius. However, like Frank Caliendo at every Emmys Awards ever, these impressionists also went home without a win.
Now, we're on to Mercer. As far as I know, they have literally won one game in team history against Duke in like 2017 or 2011 or 1996 or whenever, because time is just an illusion in today's America. I remember a player for Mercer celebrated by doing the whip/nae nae. It was a popular dance at the time, which only further confuses me about when this game actually happened.
Mercer celebrating first win in school history. (circa 2000)
This is the first game of the Boca Raton Boomer Classic, so it makes perfect sense that it starts in New York before moving to South Florida. Just like how the NIT tests out new rules, the Boca Raton Boomer Classic will give ten free points to the first coach to demand to speak to the manager. Hopefully, Schmidt does this and proves himself to be more than just an "ok" boomer.
In 1922, Mercer also apparently played in something called the National Intercollegiate Basketball Tournament, which is what I thought illegal streaming sites called March Madness. It was allegedly the first national college basketball tournament ever. Mercer got a first-round bye in a 6-team tournament, but lost in the Mesozoic-era Final Four 62-25 to something called Wabash. Wabash had a player named "Elmer Roll," which is also what happens when OHS students huff glue behind Good Times of Olean.
Mercer started the season with a nail-biting 30-point loss to St. John's. Since then, they've played a who's who of who the hell is that between Columbia International, Kennesaw Street, the abandoned "Dunk City" amusement park that is Florida Gulf Coast, Georgia Southern and Illinois-Chicago. Then again, the Bonnies are 0-2 in MAAC play, so glass houses... Luckily, Bona's is in the pocket of Corning, so we can repair glass and hopefully how well we clean the glass, folks.
Seven Steps to Victory
Forget literally everything you've done that wasn't in Canada this season.
Tell Ethan Stair to run out to Tops for another box of stuffing for us, then wedge the RC doors shut with a chair underneath the handles.
Ignore the #FREELESTERGREEN protesters at halftime and stay focused on the task at hand.
Hope the ultimate cure for Osun's knee is eating turducken.
Don't look ahead to the powerhouse San Diego Toreros.
Play Whip/Nae Nae by Silento on a loop to distract the Bears.
Have Olean General Hospital staff courtside to prevent Mercer from spreading beyond their quarantined area on the bench.
Bona Bandwagon Commenter's Score on #a102k20: Bona's 82, Mercer 71
Unrealistic 2k Stat of the Game: Ikpeze made a 3.
Bandwagon Quote of the Day from the LesterGreen Debates: "Gotta free Lester buddy pal this is gettin' outta ham."
Mercer Message Board Quote of the Day: "No Cummings. No offense. No defense. No officiating." (also no posts since November 6 there)
Due to the ongoing Bandwagon embargo, do not share this link there. I don't know how SBUnfurled will survive without the 5 extra clicks from boomers that don't use Twitter but do use the Bandwagon. Now let's go win one for the Lester!